Faithful to Buddha, Faithful to You — Chapter 32

T/N: Any notes at the end of relevant paragraphs that are indicated with an asterisk * are usually my own translation notes, unless I say otherwise in square brackets. Words in square brackets [  ] in sentences are words I added for clearer meaning.

Warning: At the risk of spoiler, I must warn you all that this chapter is rated Mature. I would warn off under-aged readers, but I know you punks would ignore my warning anyway, so this is mainly for people who are not comfortable with this kind of intimacy in a heavily Buddhist-themed story. I have already made mention of this in the Introduction post, so this will be the last time I will speak of it. Just be aware that this novel is rated M as a whole and proceed accordingly. (Xiao Chun didn’t do this out of perversion, if you’re wondering; she is mostly following Rajiva’s personal history, which has been alluded to in previous chapters through Ai Qing’s anecdotes of his biography.)

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Chapter 32: Desire is quick to rise, but difficult to quench

Masavu is the picture of surprise when he sees me at the gate. Once Kumarayana’s funeral had concluded, he had followed Rajiva back to Subashi City. This faithful old man has always looked after both father and son, and me as well, all this while without any complaint. I can only smile in reply before telling him that I am here to say goodbye. I then ask him if he can go seek Rajiva at the temple for me.

Some time later, Masavu comes back with Rajiva in tow. It’s not yet time for the afternoon mantra, which means he has abandoned his duties once again!

As Rajiva enters the courtyard, his foot gets caught at the threshold of the gate, so he ends up stumbling for a moment. I happen to be standing at the door and witness the whole scene. A grand master such as him, usually so graceful and refined in his behaviour, getting his feet caught at the gate like that—it is such a bizarre image that I cannot help but laugh out loud.

At the sight of me laughing, he halts, seemingly embarrassed, though it only takes him a few more seconds before his steps resume their normal pace, and for calmness to restore to his face.

When he at last makes it to where I am at, I immediately chide: “Why did you not wait until your afternoon mantra is done?”

He freezes. A tell-tale flush is making its way across his face but he does not say anything in response, gaze fixed at some point beyond.

“Rajiva, you are the head master of a large temple and no longer a child, so you cannot just shirk your duties whenever you feel like it.”

My face is stern as I use my best teacher-voice on him: “Go back to the temple and don’t return until you are done with the afternoon mantra.” I pause for a second before continuing, “There is something I want to talk about when you return.”

“About you leaving?”

I am momentarily surprised before nodding in reply. Someone as intelligent as him, how could he not have guessed.

“If that’s the case, Rajiva will return in the evening.”

His voice is calm and without any inflections. He bows his head briefly before turning around to leave. Strangely enough, when he crosses the gate, his foot somehow gets caught at the threshold again. Except this time, I cannot bring myself to laugh.

Nighttime seems to come faster in autumn. As soon as the sun sets behind the mountains, the wind would pick up its speed, making the already chilled air even colder. I sit beside the window, eyes fixed on the gate the whole while.

Rajiva returns at last. I watch his feet carefully and breathe out a sigh of relief when he makes it through the gate without stumbling.

He enters the room and upon seeing me, gently chides in a low voice: “The evenings are colder now, you should be wearing more layers.”

My nose stings at that. The tears threatening to fall. I try to take a deep breath before speaking, but a choked noise comes out anyway. I fumble for an excuse: “Yeah, I’m probably getting a cold…”

“Just when will you learn to cherish your body? I will call for a physician tomorrow to take a look at you.” His eyes then travel to my injured arm. “Are you still applying medicine these days?”

In our month-long stay at the State Preceptor’s residence, though Rajiva never came to redress my bandages personally, he still sent a maid to help me with it every day. Even when he was busy taking care of his father, he still made it a point to visit me each day, always reminding me to not expose my arm to water and to not scratch it when it itches. That attentiveness lasted well until the day he left for Subashi City.

“Not anymore,” I tell him.

Rajiva, please stop being so gentle with me, for my heart cannot take it any longer. I bite my bottom lip to stop my voice from quivering: “I will return to the capital city tomorrow. I have made contact with a group of merchants and will be heading to Chang’an with them.”

He does not speak for a long moment, his graze drifting off once again. After a while, his eyes return to me. He seems to choose his words carefully: “You once said that you wanted to see the old fort Tagan. Rajiva has just made plans to go to Yarkand* to study and will be passing by the fort—”
* Yarkand (or Yarkant) County is located on the southern edge of the Taklamakan Desert in the Tarim Basin. Kucha is located directly north of this County.

“Rajiva!” I quickly interrupt him. Unable to suppress my frustrations any longer, I let them burst out of me: “Do you not understand? I’m leaving because I cannot continue to be with you any longer!”

His eyes darken at my words before his gaze drops. A bitter chuckle escapes him: “Is that so.” He turns his head to the side and takes a deep breath before continuing in a tight voice, “Then let Pusysdeva take care of you. Though he can be short-tempered, his feelings toward you are sincere-”

“Rajiva!” I cannot take it anymore. For someone as smart as him, how can he not understand by now [my feelings]? “What do you mean by that? Are you trying to push me to your brother? Because there are no rules preventing him from being with me? Rajiva, I don’t need anybody to take care of me…”

“Ai Qing,” he looks up at me then. The gaze in his light grey eyes is much sharper all of a sudden, “What will make you stay then?”

I open my mouth but no words come out.

“I-” I try again, but once again unable to form any coherent sentences. I can only turn around instead to hide my face from him. I did not intend to show him any tears, but I can’t help myself. How could I?

“Ai Qing,” his voice is gentle, like a quiet breath in the air, as he reaches out to me with his thin arm. I close my eyes and let myself be pulled into his trembling arms.

The moment I rest against his chest, the voice continues, albeit with some tremors this time: “Ten years of waiting, and a few months together is all they can be traded for?”

Unable to control myself any longer, I let my cries be heard. Rajiva, Rajiva, why must it be you? Why can’t we stay together even though we love each other? Why did I agree to join this stupid time travelling experiment back then?

In his arms, I cry and cry, until I dye his brown kasaya robes black with my tears, until the earth falls off from its axis. I can feel his warmth through the thin layers. Oh, how I wish I can be enveloped in this embrace always.

“Ai Qing,” he loosens his arms just slightly before gazing deep into my eyes. Two tracts of tears are rolling down his cheeks. They merge at his chin, where hints of stubble are showing, and then finally become too heavy that they drip down to the shoulders of his kasaya robes. The tears splash open, leaving marks that bear semblance to tiny flowers on his robes.

“This is the third time Rajiva has cried. The first time was because of my mother. Thanks to you, Rajiva learned what a comfort it is to have someone beside you in moments of grief. The second time was during the evening of father’s passing. Rajiva had secretly run outside of the palace to cry. I had wished fervently that you were beside me then.”

“I was there…” My hiccups have stopped, though the tear ducts are still wet. I glance up at him through my teary eyes, “I had followed you there, stood next to you at a distance not so far away, and stayed until you decided to return at dawn.”

His arms encircle me once again, though his embrace is much tighter this time. He is hugging me with so much strength it feels as though he wants me to become one with his heart. It is an overwhelming feeling. I can only wrap my arms around his shoulders in return. His body seems to tremble at that. He loosens his arms once again.

“Ai Qing, during the three months that you were here, Rajiva has never felt happier. I even began to look forward to my afternoon mantra each day, because it meant I was closer to seeing you in the evening.”

“Rajiva…” I feel lost in his fervent gaze. “I was the same, always waiting for your return each day.”

“Rajiva wants…” He hesitates, his eyes glued on mine. Every syllable he makes seems to be weighed down by a thousand kilos. “I have wanted for a long while now…”

I watch as Rajiva flutters his eyes closed, as he takes a deep breath, and wait. He hesitates and hesitates. Opens his mouth, and then closes it a second later, unable to make a single sound.

“Rajiva,” I call out softly, my gaze locking onto his endlessly deep eyes, “What is it that you want?”

“I…want to…kiss you….Can I?”

He has finally said it. Though his voice trembled, every word he spoke was clear, and I could see how much effort it took him. His face is a fiery red, eyes deep as a bottomless lake, staring at me so intently I feel sucked into them. My tears overflow once again. My god, this man, how can he be so pure, to be asking me whether he can or cannot like this…

“No, you can’t,” I take a deep breath before telling him in a soft voice, “You cannot break your vows.”

At those words, the arms that have been holding me tight suddenly let go. He turns his face away, but not before I can catch his saddened eyes. That expression never fails to squeeze my heart.

I can only smile at him, however rueful, “Rajiva, I wasn’t done speaking.” With the barest breath, I tell him: “You cannot, but I can…I can kiss you.”

Before I can lose my nerve altogether, I reach up, place a hand around his elegant neck and press my lips against his. With our faces being so close together, I feel as though I am being swallowed whole by the abyss that is his eyes. His long lashes flutter in response to the kiss, further reminding me of how God-like he looks. Though they are thin, his lips are soft to the touch. As if struck by lightning, an electric tingle begins to make its way across my body.

Rajiva trembles, eyes still open and staring back at me, first in surprise, only to be replaced by pure unadulterated joy mere seconds later. I close my eyes and sink in the feeling of his lips against mine. So a kiss can be this wonderful! What happened before with Pusysdeva was not a kiss. This is my true first kiss, a kiss that I will never forget for the rest of my life.

Rajiva has been standing still the whole while, allowing me to nibble on his lips with abandon. Feeling daring, I lightly brush the tip of my tongue over his still pursed lips. Startled, Rajiva lets out a noise and opens his lips just slightly. I hesitate for half a second before diving straight in. Rajiva does not move at first, though his breaths are getting shorter and quicker by the second. But when the tip of his tongue meets mine, he suddenly grabs me by the waist and pulls us even closer. He tries to find a better angle by tilting his head to the side, his tongue getting bolder and bolder in the process. Our tongues chase each other back and forth in a synchronized dance of tugging and retreating. Who cares if the sky falls or the earth crumbles? Right now, all that matters is him and I, a man and a woman…

Both of us are out of breath by the time we pull apart. We look at each other’s eyes for a second before dissolving into laughter, however wheezing.

When we are finally able to compose ourselves, I tell him: “Remember, it was me who forced your hand, who lured you into breaking your vows. You did nothing wrong. The fault lies with me, so I alone will bear responsibility, come what may. No matter which level of hell I end up in, I will not be scared-”

“Ai Qing,” he interrupts. One hand he places on my waist; the other he uses to cradle my cheek. He strokes my face like I’m made of paper, like I might crumble if he is not careful enough. Every spot he touches is lit with sparks, making me feel warm all over.

“Rajiva has failed to keep the vows since a long time ago…” He smiles ruefully before resting his forehead against mine. “Envying my brother, I failed to observe the rule of no jealousy. Always longing for you, I failed to observe the rule of no worldly thoughts. Seeing you and wanting to touch you, I failed to observe the rule of no sexual desire. Ai Qing, whether it was ten years ago or ten years since then, Rajiva has never been able to follow the precepts…”

He turns me around so that we face each other. I melt at the look in his eyes, a gaze filled with so much tenderness and affection it is almost unbearable.

“So it is me who deserves to fall into hell, not you…” he finishes.

“Rajiva…” I lean onto his chest, “You are not at fault. It was me who seduced you. I am no different from that demon who once tried to seduce Gautama Buddha with visions of beautiful women. Once you awaken, I will vanish into thin air.”

He places a finger on my lips to prevent me from speaking any further. Glancing up at him, I am greeted with eyes as calm as the lake in autumn. His voice is as soft as silk next to my ear: “You are not a demon in any way…”

A pause. He looks at me, and in the scrunch of his brows I can see that he is caught in some internal struggle. He hesitates and hesitates, calls my name but no further. At last, he takes a deep breath and says in the barest whisper: “Ai Qing…do you want Rajiva to break the vows?”

“No!” Alarmed by the very thought, I fall out of his arms. Just like that, reality comes crashing down on us. “You cannot!”

“Rajiva, your life later on will be filled with many great achievements, and because of your travels to the Central Plains, Buddhism will flourish, will spread far and wide,” I keep my gaze on him and continue, though my tone is getting more and more desolate, “Therefore, you cannot break your vows. If you do that, I dare not imagine the kinds of consequences that will befall us. I’m already losing my mind at the very thought! I will never be able to forgive myself. Rajiva, your fate has already been determined…it cannot be changed…”

Cries rise up my throat, making me unable to speak. I know his fates. I know I cannot change them, but what about mine? In truth, I should have never been able to meet him, but this time-travelling experiment has altered my fates. Now, who can say for certain how my fates will unfold?

He lets out a long sigh before pulling me back into his arms.

“Ai Qing, the Buddha has sent you down here right? Is it because you’re a fairy that you know about my fates?”

“Rajiva, I do not know how to explain where I came from, but everything I’ve said so far is the truth. Promise me, that you will never break your vows. Please do not forget the aspirations that you once told me, where you expressed the wish to bring Buddhism to the Central Plains and free the people from endless suffering.”

He tightens his embrace, chest heaving with every long breath, and it takes a while before he speaks again: “All right, I promise you. If you wish for me to go to the Central Plains and spread Buddhism, I definitely will.” He pauses for a moment to swallow. When he resumes, the tone of his voice just about breaks my heart: “But…But must you really leave?”

“Rajiva, it was you who once said that all things are empty and non-existent! I am merely an illusion, not something tangible, so I will soon disappear. Later on, as long as you put effort into it, you will be able to forget me…

“Worldly thoughts and feelings are what shackle human beings to this realm, and so our minds can never be at ease.” He gently lets me go before turning around and gazes at the window. Even the faint light from the oil lamp cannot hide his saddened eyes.

Rajiva is too steeped in this world, weighed down by countless fetters, so how can he be at ease?

“All the love and hate in this life
Are nothing but fleeting impulses
The world is full of sorrows and suffering
And life is merely morning dew on a blade of grass

Desire begets worry
Desire begets fear
Only detachment from ‘desire’
Can bring peace to one’s mind”

These were the lines Yuan Ziyi told Hu Fei before she left in the novel “Young Flying Fox” by Jin Yong [Louis Cha]; the second verse is also found in the Sutra of Forty-two Sections.

Right now, as I mumble these lines to myself, the words somehow cut deeper than usual.

“Rajiva, if you can detach yourself from love, there will be no fear, no worry…”

“If one can forget so easily, then why would there be such a saying about desire begetting fear and worry?” Rajiva’s eyes shutter closed. A single tear rolls down his cheek. “The heaven’s rules cannot be disobeyed. If this is how it is, Rajiva will return you to the sky above…”

That night, neither of us could catch a wink. We only sit there in silence, leaning against each other for warmth. When the sun rises, we will have to part. How I wish that moment would never come.

“Rajiva…”

“Uhm.”

“It’s time for your morning mantra…”

“Has the night passed already? How could time pass by so fast?” A pause, then: “Today Master [Bandhudatta] will be returning to Jabul, so I must go see him off. After that, I have to go to Yarkant. The monks there have been asking me to give them lectures on Mahayana many times…”

“Mn.”

“So I will not be able to see you off…”

“Mn.”

“Ai Qing, will I be able to see you again?”

“I don’t know.”

“Ai Qing, I had kissed you last night, so our crime is equal. Rajiva is a monk, is someone who follows the ways of Buddha, and yet I had broken my vows, so I deserve to be cast off to the depths of hell…”

“Okay, then I will go there and find you…”

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Ramblings: And we are here, at last! The long-awaited chapter (or at least it was for me, as I’ve wanted to translate this one before any others, but held it off out of sheer will). Rajiva’s confession about how he has never followed the precepts when it comes to Ai Qing just about melts my heart all over again. I can only hope I was able to convey the same through my measly translation. The importance of this chapter is part of the reason why I took so long to finish translating. The other reason being I was studying for my licensing exam, which I just completed last week (I had planned on forewarning you all if I had managed to post this chapter up much earlier so it wouldn’t have to be another MIA, but alas…)

I’m not sure if there are any Buddhist devotees in the readership, but I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts on Rajiva breaking his vows like this. In my opinion, the manner in which the events unfolded was done tastefully, as we could clearly see the struggle on both sides to not cross this line in their relationship, the apprehension, the worry. But I think I can speak for many of us that the heart is not an easy thing to control–you cannot tell it to stop loving as you will, just as you cannot tell the mind to forget someone you have met. Because having met, how can one undo the knowledge? (If you’ve ever crushed on someone you shouldn’t have, you would know well the feeling…)

Regarding the coming chapters: I’m debating whether to translate ch.33 in full or not, since it’s mostly Pusysdeva forcing Ai Qing to go on a small trip with him to see the old fortress Taqian despite her protest at the beginning (sigh, this guy). Being the history buff she is, Ai Qing ends up enjoying the view anyway and goes off recounting historical anecdotes about various people and the places as per usual, which aren’t that integral to the plot. So I’m kind of leaning towards just summarizing ch.33 instead. What do you think? There’s also ch.35-37 that I kind of want to skip all together, but that’s something to discuss later on.

Anyhow, I always enjoy reading your thoughts on the chapter or on the story as a whole, so keep sharing them, folks! They give me much encouragement to keep going with this project. It really doesn’t have to be deep analyses or anything, so don’t be shy and leave me a comment~